Couple therapy: when is it useful? | BRIGITTE.de

by OskarHolzbergLove is the answer to all questions? Not quite. She also provides quite a few. This time, psychologist and couples therapist Oskar Holzberg answers the question: Is it never too early for couples therapy?

Yes - because couples usually go to couples therapy too late. And no - because a therapist has no place in front of the altar.

There are a few things to consider

The D. couples are what couple professionals call "highly controversial". As soon as he starts to speak, she interrupts him angrily: What he's saying only proves how callous and inconsiderate he is. Conversely, he immediately interrupts her and loudly accuses her of twisting the truth again and that it wasn't like that at all.

You're one of those couples who can't even talk to each other anymore because they're both overflowing with anger, desperation, and hurt feelings. When I ask such couples when the arguments started, I usually find out that it was years ago. It started when she felt left alone with the kids, or when her hot flirtation with the piano teacher hurt him so badly.

Couples are often late to couples therapy. Because for a long time it's hard to admit that you can't get ahead on your own. And because everything becomes a conflict when a couple is fighting: if one suggests seeking outside help, the other refuses. So it would be a good idea for couples to do therapy for their relationship life before there were any problems at all - as a preventive measure, so to speak ? Couple therapy like the annual health check-up at the family doctor?

Of course, it's good if we understand pair processes, communication, and emotionally intelligent behavior. There is an infinite amount of literature and countless courses. It can actually help to preventively have a professional look at your relationship life to discover possible conflicts before they escalate. But this is not couples therapy. And by no means every couple finds themselves in a situation where they need one.

If we prefer to immediately put the weak points of our love relationship on the therapy couch before it is supposedly too late, we also fall into a trap. Because the quick call for the relationship expert hides the message that a perfect partnership is possible - if only we do everything right.

You always have to be able to make compromises

But that's an illusion. No partner is the embodied fulfillment of all of our relationship longings. No love will live on without disappointment. Every couple has to struggle for solutions and compromises. Needs to learn to reconnect after conflict and share difficult feelings. Therapy can help. But we also have to accept our shortcomings and those of the other person and recognize that there is no clear heaven of love on earth. Only good relationships in which we say goodbye to our dreams of happiness with a resigned sigh, but know that we will be rewarded with security in our togetherness. A submission and satisfaction in order to become satisfied. Nobody can take over this inner maturation process from us.

But I do have one suggestion so that couples don't go to therapy too late: Why not agree during the good times of our relationship that it's enough if one of us finds couples therapy unavoidable - so that we can do it together.

Here you can buy the current book by Oskar Holzberg:

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Couples therapy: what is it?

Couples therapy and marriage counseling are forms of therapy in which partners can talk openly with therapists about all problems in the partnership. The therapists remain impartial, but empathize with both positions. If the two of you get stuck, we work together to find a solution that is comfortable for all parties.

Many people see couples therapy as the beginning of the end. But just because you admit to a problem in the partnership that you can't work to solve on your own doesn't mean that the relationship is considered lost. It shows strength as a couple to admit problems and seek professional help.

How can couples therapy benefit the relationship?

Couples therapy makes sense when conflicts have become bogged down and understanding for the partner or partners has been lost. Therapists not only try to solve existing problems, but also filter out positive aspects of the partnership that the couple no longer perceives because of all the problems.

Not only the relationship between the partners can be improved through couples therapy. It can also have a positive impact on everyday life, family and mental health. Similar to psychotherapy, all areas of life benefit from discussions and tips with and from psychologists.

The overarching goal of couples therapy is not to save the relationship from breaking and bending. Rather, the different points of view, goals and personal needs are clarified. In this way, couples get to know and understand each other in a new way. In most cases, they draw strength from these insights not to break up, but to invest energy in the relationship.

How much does a couples therapy session cost?

The costs of couple therapy for professional therapists can be classified as between 80 and 120 euros per therapy hour. It is important to note whether the sessions are 60 minutes or 90 minutes.

How long does couples therapy last?

If there is a great willingness to change, six to eight sessions in couples counseling are usually sufficient. Therapists provide important impulses, but the couple makes the biggest contribution in everyday life.

You might also be interested in these topics: soul love, on-off relationship, symbiotic relationship and communication in the relationship

Would you like to read more about the topic and exchange ideas with other people? Then have a look at the "Forum: Relationships in everyday life" of the BRIGITTE community!

Sources used: partnership-lernen.de, partnership-relationship.de

Brigitte 10/2019 Brigitte

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